Good is not good
I had an important message to break to the crew: it was time to hire a new minion. You see, I’ve been saving up for a new ship, and a new ship is going to require extra help, and I want to start training the new help now.
Katie and Petunia took it pretty well once they realized they weren’t being replaced, so we set sail to Block Island to look for new minions to shanghai, and we promptly wrecked our ship on a jagged block. Why didn’t anyone warn me about this? (Petunia claimed he did warn me, but he stopped saying anything after I brandished my cutlass.)
We found a potential named Sister Kitty, but she turned out to be Mary, the daughter of the Sea Goddess, and she made us take lessons on how to be good! Being good is the worst thing in the sea, let me tell you. Here are Sister Kitty’s three rules for being good:
1. Throw your cutlass in the garbage.
2. Drinking piña coladas is okay, but you’re not allowed to steal the ingredients. If you land on an uninhabited island, it’s okay to pick some pineapples and coconuts there.
3. You have to change the name of your ship from the S.S. Aargh to the S.S. Love, and instead of flying the Jolly Roger, you have to fly a flag with (ew!) a heart on it.
We had to agree to be good so the Sea Goddess would repair our ship. So basically, we ended up with no new minions and no new ship, but our ship is now called the S.S. Love.
This was not a good day!
Aargh,
K. Rool
K. Rool cooks
Arrr! Three words for ye: Pirate Top Chef. But before I get into that, there’s something I should explain.
You see, K. Rool is too much pirate to be embodied in just one physical form. I am a guy with a hat, and I am also a duck with horns. When I am a duck, I also have two minions, but they are named Minion and Pink Minion.
Anyway, we all got onto Pirate Top Chef! We each had to cook an assigned dish in one minute. Mine was creamed spinach. I had never heard of spinach. It took me 45 seconds to look it up on Wikipedia, and then there wasn’t enough time to wash it, or puree it, or salt it, or anything.
Minion drew a pirate classic: salted hardtack with rum. But he also blew it! He overbaked the hardtack and put too much salt on it. The judges said he also used too much rum, which is plainly absurd.
Pink Minion had to make piña-colada-poached salmon. Pink Minion is not too bright, and she hadn’t even started cooking when the timer went off. However, the judges praised the light, airy quality of her non-dish, and she won! What in the name of sea pork!?
Luckily, I came in second, and Minion was told to pack his cutlass and go.
Yo ho,
K. Rool
Watch out for cats
Arrr!
Who would have thought that Cat Island could be so dangerous? The crew and I sailed there because Katie convinced me we should have a lovable pet on board. When we arrived, we were given a choice of three cats: Malia, Sasha, and Emily. We took Malia.
It turns out cats can eat treasure! Luckily, it eventually comes out the other end. You also have to pet them and give them cat food and stuff. Plus, this cat was half the size of our ship. I tried to send it out to eat our enemies’ treasure, but Iris, the cat dealer, informed us that cats only eat pirate treasure. Argh.
Yo ho,
K. Rool
I love dessert
Did I ever have a great dessert tonight! It was Pirate Booty ice cream, featuring rum-flavored ice cream (!!!), candied walnuts, and apricots. I feel sorry for the ships that don’t have a pastry chef like Dana Cree on board.
Yoho,
K. Rool
Book clubs are not for softies
It is possible to get tired of plundering and pillaging, you know. I was saying to the crew that we needed a new hobby, and Petunia suggested we visit Book Club Island. Perfect!
Well, this book club was open to cats, little girls, and ducks, but NOT PIRATES! Also, they seemed to be lying around looking at pretty bookmarks instead of actually discussing the plot of Beloved or whatever. Which sounded perfect for me, because I love pretty things and I never learned to read! First I tried to fight my way in with the cannon, but Petunia reminded me that we left the cannon on Cannonball Island. So I bought my way in with nine doubloons.
It was a trick! They gave me a picture book about marooned pirates, and I was magically marooned. Then I read another chapter about pirate adventures and it set me free. The crew sure seemed surprised to see me alive.
I do not recommend book clubs.
No rum = no fun
Yo ho! My neck is feeling much better, thanks for asking. To celebrate, the crew and I sailed to Dragon Island. We’d never been there before, but we’d heard rumors. Turns out the island is home to a fire-breathing dragon named Wingaling–and he HATES pirates!
Well, our ship burned up, but we found a new ship. It was actually a hollow log floating on the ocean, but I’m the type of guy who thinks the rum bottle’s half full. Except in this case it wasn’t, because this new ship had:
- No rum
- No hardtack
- No bananas
- No coconuts
- Piña coladas, yes, but WITHOUT RUM
Luckily, we made a few doubloons selling candy to passing forest animals. It was enough loot to repair our old ship, the S.S. Aargh. Phew! I missed the old girl.
Top o’ the crows nest,
K. Rool
I opened a juice bar
Aargh. I retired from piracy and opened a juice bar called Nautical Nectars. We had one flavor: strawberry. Then someone poured out all my juice and I had to come out of retirement. It was just as well. I really missed the plundering!
Hoist the bilge futtocks,
K. Rool
Asteroids were flying through space today
And so was my loyal crew. They flew the S.S. Aargh to space and landed on a planet that happened to be the home of the Queen of the Space Witches. She started throwing asteroids at them, which caused the ship to explode. Then Little Iris carried them back to earth, but the asteroids kept coming. “I’m just decorating the Earth,” explained the Queen of the Space Witches.
I was in the hospital thanks to another beheading! Can you believe it?
Argh,
K. Rool
K. Rool’s thoughts on surrealism
It is decadent and bourgeois. I tried to cut Salvador Dali’s mustache in half but Iris told me to stop it.
My head got cut off twice
I was waving my cutlass around and accidentally cut my head off. I had to go the hospital for head reattachment surgery.
Meanwhile, Keelhaulin’ Katie became captain. She and Petunia sailed to witch island, where they met the Queen of the Witches, who HATES pirates. What the crew didn’t know is that she’s also my sister! She chased the pirates all over the high seas. Katie found a temple and went through and then found herself on Book Island.
It took them three days to reattach my head, and I was not entirely normal after that. I had this jolly high voice and didn’t feel like keelhauling anybody. Katie accidentally cut my head off again with her cutlass and I had to go back to the hospital. I wasn’t so sure it was actually an accident, but it’s hard to be sure of anything when you don’t have a head.
Stay tuned for more of my adventures!
Yo ho,
K. Rool
